25 going on...

People say your twenties are some of the best years of your life. Why do I feel like that is a false statement? My birthday is coming up and soon I'll be 26. You may think that's young to some of you, but I have nothing to show for it. I have never felt more lost, and indecisive. I feel like a broken compass. I don't know what direction I should follow. The choices I make have consequences, but I can't predict what my outcome will be. When I was younger I felt like everything was planned out. Be a kid, go to school, college, get a job, your place, fall in love, and so on. But these generic steps and I have never followed one another. Am I a free spirit? Or just lost? 

I have had people compliment me on my choices, and others smile politely. I look in the mirror, and I see someone who's tired. Tired of making choices, tired of pretending. Life is one big poker game, what are the stakes and odds?

25 I thought I had it all together, I was teaching, and still living at home, but things seemed to go according to "the plan", I was dating the guy who looked great on paper. But then I broke the pattern and decided to run free. No teaching, no dating, instead I decided to book a flight, and apply to grad school. 

25 and broke. 

Sometimes it's hard to block out the voices and opinions. But recently with mom being in the hospital and altering life changes happening, everyone seemed entitled to their opinions, especially when it comes to me. 

Some say to stay home, find a job, and just be happy with living a mundane life. Maybe that's what I need. something to quiet the soul. I could do it. The 40+ hrs at a desk, the relationship with the nice man...

Who am I kidding...

Some days I wonder if I am just a nomad, a gypsy to life. 

This seems to have a pessimistic sour tone to it... I am not trying to be down and glum. I am trying to be realistic. 

But what is real and what is fantasy? 

My mom thinks this will be my year. For some reason she's hopeful. I wish I had her sense of hope within myself. But to be honest. I feel like I'm just a sense of chaos. 

25 was the year I broke all the rules. 

What will 26 bring?