Real Talk

 I am not strong. I may come off as the fun one, the girl who never seems serious. She is bubbly and light. I never want to show my stress or anxiety. But, today I let my guard down to my friend. She listened and I forgot just how good it felt to vent. To allow me to just be truthful. I am frustrated. I am tired. I feel like I am running in circles. I feel like I try, but I am not getting anywhere. People tell me my twenties are meant to be confusing blah blah blah. How am I supposed to juggle all this? Apply for a job, have no money, don't stress about my finances but have my college loans breathe down my neck. Have a social life, but at the same time make time for yourself. So many things contradict one another. My body is tense as a board, I feel like I am constantly fighting a battle of tears, but I can't cry out for help. I can't show weakness. They count on me. I can't let them down, I can't let myself down. So instead I stay silent. I keep quiet even though inside, I am terrified. How am I supposed to do this? Life??? where is the rule book, the cheat code? I am a fighter, but I hate these battles. The ones that keep pushing you down. I can't breathe, the tension in my chest is so tight. 

Woah. Hold up. Stop. 

Now she plays the comparison game... The game of guilt. 

Other people have it worse. I came from worse. Look at me now. I have support. I just don't lean on it. It's easier to make myself look like the victim, but I put myself into this situation. How can I dream, when I am the one to cancel myself out. 

Real Talk: LIFE IS HARD! 

Things don't always get easier. You have to fight. At least that's what I am doing, even though I think I am drowning. Today I cry out. 

Tomorrow, I will smile and you won't know. Just how hard she fights. She deals with life. 

But so do you. So why should I say all this? I don't want to be a burden. Instead, I want to be someone you can relate to. I want my truth to help. I want you to know you aren't alone. You may have hit rock bottom. We all have. The thing is ... Now what? Will you sit in silence and let it consume you... Or will you be like me? Lean on a friend. Write, let it out. Know that you aren't this moment or day. You will surpass it. 

Life isn't easy, and the truth is it won't magically get easier. The truth is you only get stronger. You learn, you fall, you fly, and you make it work. 

But today. It doesn't need to be perfect. Instead, I don't smile. I don't laugh. Instead, I let my truth out. 

I am Alyssa, working hard on job applications, looking at college debt, and trying to contain and maintain my mental, physical, and social being. 

I am just a human, letting out a scream. 

So if you are stressing, let it out. 

Lean on me.

Life is hard. 

But I am from harder stuff. So I cry, but tomorrow I fight. Today I focus on my breathing. It's the small things. 

I am just adulting. I don't feel like fighting. Instead, I focus on the basics.