Back to the Board

 We found a candidate with the qualifications we were looking for. At this time the position has been filled. Another explanation of No. It happens, and I am back to a blank board, back to the beginning. There is a saying, don't get your hopes up. Well, the thing is I did. I was excited for this. I finally got the chance to write and do it as a career. But no, instead I get to try again. I can do it, but it just means I must try again. With choices, rejections, and options, it means I need to work harder, I need to find a niche. Or I may need to pray, pray that someone decides to take a chance on me. I have passion and drive, but what does that mean, especially if you don't have experience. I have experience. Maybe not the "normal" experience. But, I have the experience of life, I have had jobs that allowed me to see people for who they are, and to listen to them. Do you know how hard it is to be an active listener? People don't listen, instead, they hear what they want. I heard and at first, it came like a slap, a bee sting. Rejection is not good enough, someone else is better. I wasn't listening. Instead, I need to change my prerogative. I can, I will, I must. So this is why I write, this is why I blog. I do it for me. I am writing to clear my head and to understand my emotions and mindset. 

I am great. People just aren't ready for me. I have a friend, who always told me I was ahead of the game. I made the noise, and I led without thought. Instead, I was a force to be reckoned with. Once upon a time, my name was on people's minds and tongues were wagging. I turned and people approached me, I had no idea who they were, but they seemed to know me. 

That's the thing we change, we try to reinvent ourselves, or maybe we are just trying to find our voice. I have the voice, but do I have the volume? Maybe I need to be louder, maybe I need to be bigger. 

I shall try again. Easy. That's always the easy part. I am the hard part. I care too much but isn't that a good thing? I CARE! I care about what I do. 

Right now I am in limbo, it's scary at times. It means there's this feeling of being stuck. I have always been my worst critic. I am hard on myself, because who else will be. If I don't push myself, then what? I am my own critic because I have to be. But when everyone else starts, that's when things get dark. The light seems to dim within me. Can I blame it on seasonal depression already? 

Today is not an easy day. My emotions are everywhere. I guess I'm not as tough as I thought. But there is always tomorrow. Today I can be bummed. I can be disappointed. I don't need to respond to others. I don't feel like talking, so instead I write. I write because my voice can't handle my thoughts without wavering. 

Do you ever feel like bad things all happen at once? Or disappointing things? Today can be this way, but I don't need to be sad. I can feel bummed, but Alyssa remember this. 

You have accomplished so much. You can accomplish so much. You will accomplish so much. You will prove to yourself, and others will be in awe. They will be the ones that are disappointed in themselves. When I become great, it will be because I did it by myself. I always do things by myself. It's better that way. The only person who can disappoint me would be myself, and that would be all on me. So today I am bummed. So I try again, I write, and I feel. But I will do better, it doesn't have to be this moment. But soon.