Daddy's Little Girl

    He stands before me in the field. His back is turned to me, but he senses my presence and turns around. I am dressed in a white dress, it signifies my innocent youth he missed and the wedding he will never attend. The man that stands before me is the father I never knew, but the father I always dreamed of. 

    He looks at me, and I know his embrace is home. I ran to him, his little girl that he never wanted to know. My father chose not to know me and that will always be his loss. I have dreamed the same dream all 25 years. 

    His arms are stretched wide waiting for me to embrace him. There is no hesitancy, instead, I run to him. My dress blows around me, my hair free and the sunshine provides the warmest welcome of summer. Once I reach him he sweeps me up in a hug holding me tightly to his chest. "My girl, where have you been all these years?" He doesn't have the recollection that he was the one to drive us away. In this dream, he never could do wrong. I look up at him, and his eyes glisten, he realizes that I am not his baby girl, but a woman now that he never got the chance to know.  I am his daughter. 

    I always dreamed that one day I would go back to Russia and meet my biological parents. It wouldn't be the warmest welcome. Instead, I imagine it to be awkward, but I'll never know. Because both my parents are dead. They were my parents, but they will never be what my mom is to me, and that is the definition of family. 

    But, all I ever wanted was to tell them was this...

    I never know exactly how I would introduce myself or start the conversation... but for now here it goes. 

    I would look them in their eyes with no resentment or hate, instead, I would simply say.

    I forgive you. 

    It wasn't their fault. I could blame them for choosing alcohol or ... another million reasons. Instead, I would allow myself to forgive them, to show them mercy and kindness. I keep them in my prayers. They were the ones to put me in this world. But my mother (Nicole) is the one who truly gave me life. She is the one who loves me and supports me and I know will always be the one to stand by my side no matter what. 

    I never had a dad. I won't lie it's hard at times. 

    I will never stand on my daddy's feet while we dance in the kitchen. He wasn't there to hold my hand when crossing the street. He wasn't there to teach me to drive. He wasn't there to call me his baby girl. He wasn't there when that boy stood me up for Silver Bell. He wasn't there to dry my tears. He wasn't there to hold me. He wasn't there to fight the demons. He wasn't there to protect me. He will never walk me down the aisle. He will never say "I am so proud of the woman you became." I will never have my father-daughter dance. He wasn't there to set the bar high, so I knew what kind of man to look for. He wasn't there. I will never hear him say the words I so desperately crave. "I Love You, Alyssa."

     I will never feel his embrace. He will never know of the woman I have become. I will never know a father's love.

    I may never have a father, but I have had people show me what it means to be a father. I have seen the traits of the man I have dreamed of as a father.

    My brother for instance. He is the closest thing to a father figure I had. He has protected me from the scars, emotional, mental, and physical. He has allowed me to keep this fantasy and dream of the father I pretend to have. He never let me see the darkness of when we did have them as parents. My brother is the most generous man I know. When I need help he gives it without asking. He knows when to make me laugh. He knows when something is wrong, without me even telling him. My brother has never allowed me to give up. He is my biggest supporter. To this day I will never forget what he asked of me when he helped me move in my sophomore year of college. "You have to do this for us. You have to finish for us." I knew what he meant. 

    My mom... She has earned the title of father as well. She was the one to teach me to drive, she was the one to stand in my corner, and she was the one to hold me tight when I woke from a nightmare. She was the one to stay up late waiting to make sure I came home safely. She is the one who has shown me you can be both. She showed me that you can be anything and everything. She gave me life and love. I can't wait for the day I do get married, because she will be the woman who walks me down the aisle and she will be the one to hold me and say, " I am so proud of the woman who have become." 

    I have had other men in my life who have allowed me to catch glimpses of what fatherhood is. All I can say is thank you! 

    I may never know what a father's love is like, but I am finally a DAUGHTER! I would never have had that had it not been for the day my mom adopted me. So thank you, Mom, for letting me be your daughter, I will always be Mommy's little girl. You will always hold my heart. I am always going to be your daughter, and I will always need you. 

I Love You. 

-Alyssa