Do I?

 Do I go outside and take a walk, but for what purpose? Do I need a purpose to go out and about. Today everything feels bland... or maybe that's just because I don't have a plan. I don't know what to do today. I guess maybe it's because I wish you were here beside me. I want someone else to take control of the wheel. Tell me where we are going, and which restaurant we should eat at. Right now I don't want to make the plans, I just want to be the passenger.  

Solo Traveling can be great, but you forget all those small minor details. From planning what to eat to planning transportation, knowing the area where you are going, what are the attractions in that area, and so on. Also sometimes it all depends on the mood that you are in, some moods are about comfort and cozy, and other times it is time to let loose and dance. Then there are days like today, where it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and every emotion and thought comes crashing down on you. 

I looked at my snap memories and emails, and BOOM! Thoughts came crashing down on me like a waterfall. College loans and debts, booking a flight or two, figuring out Scotland and Portugal, should I get another tattoo? 

Also, I am headed to Edinburgh Scotland this Thursday, so I do have that to look forward to. I am excited for my upcoming travel adventures, but from now till then I feel like I am in a limbo funk. Maybe I should just jump on the tube and say let's GO! Sometimes those are when the best adventures happen... Mmm, I'm not sure. I am doubting myself. I kinda just want to have a movie day with friends. 

I guess as of right now I will just listen to my mopey country music and be in my feelings and thoughts. Contemplating and thinking about you. You or actually the ideal you I have created from dating all of the versions of you I crave. Does that make sense? I have dated some brilliant, and lovely people. From Cobra eyes, to gentle, to wild and crazy, to making me feel seen and heard. I am grateful to all of you for allowing me to realize who I deserve. 

Till then I will be single and have days where I get to be somber and glum, or appreciative and free. For today I get to reflect on the now, and the soon-to-be. 

Till next time,

-Alyssa