Uncertain

 9 / 19 / 23

Life is uncertain of many things,  careers, love, happiness, and life. Everything has a beginning and end, but sometimes the end comes at a closer date than intended. We then are left with a means of unpredictability. Or is uncertainty the probability of possibility? 

I am uncertain about each step I take, but everyone has been in this predicament. Some people don't allow themselves to take chances. I do know this, I take chances without thinking, because when you think you contemplate and doubt. So far everyone has been very supportive and thinks I am brave. 

Why is it we are our worst supporters? At least speaking on my own behalf. I am so used to abusing myself, thinking I haven't done enough. I look at myself in the mirror and I automatically become a harsh critic. My pores could be smaller, my hair blonder. We keep trying to become a version of what? ... It's not the best version of ourselves, instead, it's a version of society and what we perceive to be the best. 

People, friends, peers. I have outgrown some and others I have tossed aside because I realized they were never meant to be in my life. They were or shall I say we were toxic. The worst part is that toxicity became a drug, a substance of the worst liquor that I craved. You were predictable and it brought comfort, and now I wish I could have you back. 

I miss you. If you are reading this here are the words I could never say. We were over before we even began. Honestly, we should have just been friends, but I wanted you. I thought to have you meant to say yes to what you wanted. I put your needs before my own. I created the version you desired. I became a mirror. You wanted me, but I couldn't have you. Not this time. You weren't mine. Instead, I shall be on a journey for a while. A journey that only is meant for clarity. 

These are the chaotic thoughts of today. 

-Alyssa